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THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE HAS APPEARED IN THE RECORD September 11, 20002

Dealing with school bullies, Part 2


Now that summer is over and school has resumed, some parents might want to consider what steps to take in the event they suspect their children may be school bullies or victims of bullies. If there is any doubt as to the extent and impact of schoolyard bullying just consider the alarming statistics from the National Association of School Psychologists. The association estimates that every day in the U.S., 160,000 children miss school for fear of being bullied.

There can no longer be any doubt that unless children are stopped from bullying they are likely, as they get older, to become more and more violent and engage in various forms of antisocial behavior, such as juvenile delinquency, crime and drug abuse. As for children who are subjected on a daily basis to school bullying, they risk being scarred for life.

Why bullying in schools?

By their very nature, school settings provide a fertile environment for children to be bullied. Because of the large number of students, bullies and victims are forced, day after day, to remain within close range and almost always in the presence of an audience, which is precisely what bullies crave. One of the difficulties parents face is not knowing whether their child is a school bully or is being subjected to bullying. Even an open and healthy line of communication is no guarantee that their children will necessarily confide in them. This is particularly true when children feel ashamed or worry about being perceived by their classmates as a snitch. Finally, there are children who suffer in silence because of having been intimidated with threats of violence.

Warning signs of bullying behavior

Because parents are often left with having to interpret the warning signs of bullying behavior, experts in the field have devised detailed lists to make the task easier. Among the physical signs that are compatible with the victim profile are unexplained injuries such as bruises, cuts and scratches or damage or loss of clothes and possessions. Changes in behavior are equally relevant such as a child who appears anxious, distressed o depressed about attending school or when returning from school. Other signs include changes in academic performance and sleeping habits, unexpected mood shifts, irritability or sudden outbursts of temper.

Is your child a bully?

Among the many signs that are compatible with the bully profile are children who bully their siblings or always try to dominate and control other children. Additional clear-cut warning signs include children who physically attack other children or resort to name-calling, threatening, or malicious teasing. Children who are hot-tempered, easily angered, impulsive and who show a low frustration tolerance deserve close attention. Less obvious signs include children who manipulate friendships or are continuously aggressive towards adults and authority figures.

What should parents of bullies do?

What should parents of bully children do? One immediate answer is to ask themselves whether they are setting the right example for their children. When children observe aggressive behavior at home or have been emotionally or physically victimized by their parents, they are more likely to act aggressively toward other kids. Parents must also realize that a too indulgent and permissive upbringing can also lead children to becoming bullies.

Besides correcting their own behavior, when necessary, parents must let their children know that they take bullying seriously and will not tolerate such behavior. Equally important, parents must develop and enforce a consistent set of family rules. When children follow the rules parents should use praise and when they break them, the consequences must be swift, consistent and meaningful. Other steps require increased monitoring and supervising of their children, maintaining contact with school authorities and, when required, seeking help from mental health professionals.

What about parents of bully victims?

Experts suggest that parents should always forewarn their children about the dangers associated with bullying and encourage them to immediately seek help from a person in authority such as a teacher or principal, especially when they are threatened with violence. Children must be made to understand that if they can't avoid crossing paths with a bully, the more they rely on adult intervention the more likely the bully will retreat.

Helping children to understand the dynamics of a bully is considered as important as teaching them not to personalize the bully's behavior or to seek retaliation. They must understand that it is not their fault if they are bullied and that only weak people bully to hide their weaknesses and inadequacies. As to teaching a child to fight back, this can cause serious harm. Besides teaching a child to solve violence with violence, which never works, their child could be injured by bullies who normally use their strength and size difference to their advantage.

Building their self -esteem

It is now well accepted that a confident child is less likely to be targeted by bullies. Because victims of schoolyard bullies tend to suffer from low self-esteem, one of the best ways of helping them to handle a bully or to prevent them from becoming one is to build their self-esteem. This means that parents must praise their children for their accomplishments, improve their social skills, encourage them to participate in sports, teach them to handle difficult situations etc. It is also recommended that parents meet with their child's teacher, principal, or school counselor so as to inform them of the specific problem and to discuss practical solutions. At the same time they should check to see whether the school has an anti-bullying policy and whether it provides for adequate supervision on school grounds. If the reaction to the meeting is less than enthusiastic it should be followed by a firm but polite letter.

Consulting other parents can also be useful to determine if their own child happens to be a target of the same bully. As a group, parents carry far more weight when it comes to pressuring school authorities to increase supervision and to punish bullies. Keep in mind, however, that inasmuch as school authorities should believe in the importance of disciplining individual school bullies, without the necessary proof, their hands are tied.

Next week: Dealing with adult bullies